Open

 

Recently I have been keeping my life fairly closed to other people. I would put up a face, or hide behind excuses to stay in my own sphere. With a fairly new(ish) baby (almost 9 months old and causing me to have a whole different body to get used to), graduating from college, moving from Hawaii to Utah 8 months ago, and becoming a stay-at-home mommy, I had a hard time adjusting to all of these changes. Nonetheless, I acted as though I was fine, I was happy, I could handle these changes. Boy, I thought I was- I was not... at first.

I felt alone because I kept to myself most of the time. It's not as though I didn't hang out with people or wasn't invited to hang out with people. I did and I was, but inside, I longed for things to be the way they used to be, for the way I used to feel, for the 'myself' I used to know. Things lately has all been so different- so... unknown. I felt dumb, because I couldn't figure out how to live my new version life successfully and feel like my old self again. I looked to the past, at the life my husband and I had in Hawaii- how simple it seemed. I missed that, an almost unbearable amount- to the point where I would think about it numerous times a day with a heavy heart. Yes, we prayed about coming to Utah and we both felt confident that was the best choice for us, so why wasn't I feeling so good about our decision anymore?

The other day, I just couldn't bear it, and Jonald (my husband) could tell- he can read through me as if I was a piece of plastic wrap. I ended up breaking down to him about all my feelings, my fears, my heartaches, and my longing to be back in Hawaii- where life was simple and I felt more like I could be myself.

Needless to say, my husband is amazing because he talked me through everything and made me feel much better about myself. He made me want to turn over a new leaf. I am giving this town another chance. I am giving myself another chance.

Today, I vow to myself to be open in many ways:
Open arms to those I know and those I do not.
Open mind to new adventures and possibilities.
Open heart to love and comfort others.
Open spirit to be seeking greater spiritual understanding and strength.
Open eyes to see and love myself for who I am now, not be too hard on myself, and be okay with just what I am able to do everyday.

I am a redefined version of me- and I like the way it sounds.